How The Clippers Can Get Revenge On Donald Sterling

 

It’s somehow been the biggest story of the week; that the very old, very rich, very entitled Donald Sterling was caught on tape making racist comments. The fact is, Sterling has a long history of making racist, sexist, and downright vitriolic comments (and if you’re interested this Deadspin timeline sums it up nicely).

The outcry has been abundant, from rappers and talking heads [TNT, Keith Olbermann] to players (more on LeBron later), former players and coaches to other owners [Charlotte Bobcats’ Michael Jordan, Houston Rockets’ Leslie Alexander], to “his” team, his wife and even the President of the United States.

Today NBA commissioner Adam Silver levied down the league’s punishment: a lifetime ban from the NBA, an NBA maximum fine of $2.5 million and asking the Board of Governors to force Sterling to sell the Clippers. While I commend Silver and the league for handing down what seems to be the stiffest punishment in their power, it still doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel just. Sterling bought the team for $12.5 million in 1981, and with the team valued at $575 million in January by Forbes, walking away with a profit north of $562.5 million (assuming the team’s valuation hasn’t changed) doesn’t seem like much a satisfying comeuppance.

Many have made suggestions; some have called for a player boycott. Others for a fan boycott. But neither of those really punish Sterling. In fact, the only people that would punish are the players and the fans. The players shouldn’t have to give up their chance to play for a championship and the fans shouldn’t have to sacrifice the experience. And therein lies our answer. The best way to stick it to Sterling is simple: it’s win.

Win the NBA championship. Make confetti angels on floor in Miami. Hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy. Have an championship parade in sunny LA. While Donald Sterling watches it all unfold on his TV. Don’t tell him; show him that you don’t need him and you never needed him. Then after he dies his wife can sell the team to Magic Johnson. The end.

Quick tangent on LeBron: I don’t understand anyone that still doesn’t like him. Here’s someone who really understands the magnitude of his celebrity and uses it in a positive way. It was him along with Dwyane Wade who organized the Heat’s protest of the death of Trayvon Martin and it’s LeBron voicing his opinion now. It’s nice to see the man with the biggest voice in basketball using his to take a stand on important issues.

Space Jam 2??!??!

There are currently no plans to make a sequel to Space Jam, but a recent tweet has had the internet buzzing and its rumored it may have studio execs thinking:

RT @Parletoo: @KingJames do you love space Jam ?(I love that movie. Wish I could do Space Jam 2!)

— LeBron James (@KingJames) August 26, 2012

Sooooo, this sounds like a horrible idea. Space Jam is sacred. It was perfect. It must not be touched. To sequel this movie would be a sin punishable only by the wrath of Jesus, MJ and Tim Tebow.

But hold on, back it up. On second thought, doesn’t this sound like a great idea?

Warner Bros. must love this. Space Jam grossed over $230 million since it released in 1996, making it a financial success, especially for its time. The Looney Tunes’ next major motion picture, 2003’s Looney Tunes: Back In Action, was a financial flop, making less than $69 million. But that was probably because they replaced Michael Jordan with Brendan Fraser. Seeing the warm reception The Muppets got last year, now may be the time for the the Looney Tunes to make their comeback. And this is all before we even consider the marketing and merchandising opportunities. I think there’s at least a few hundred million reasons they have to green light this.

At the time, Michael Jordan was the best and most popular player on the planet, and with the exception of Cleveland and the small group of people that are still irrationally upset at him, the same is true for LeBron. REMAIN CALM. Take deep breaths and count backwards from 10; I’m not saying LeBron is as good as Jordan. Just that he’s the best since Mike. Don’t think so? He’s on a roll, winning an NBA championship, finals MVP, league MVP and an Olympic gold medal in the same year. Want to take a guess who the only other player to do that was? Besides, Kevin Durant just starred in Thunderstruck, I think America is ready for the continuation of Space Jam.

So, now that we all agree that Space Jam 2 needs to happen, who would fill out the rest of the cast?

1996: Michael Jordan

2012: LeBron James

1996: Wayne Knight

2012: Kevin Hart

Stan Podolak gets an upgrade in star power. Kevin can play just as neurotic, but he’s genuinely funnier. It’s an easy fit – Kevin knows Dwyane Wade well from their Jordan ads together, not to mention LeBron is already a fan of his.

1996: Theresa Randle

2012: Gabrielle Union

DWade’s girl gets in without a reading. It’s not always what you know, it’s who you know.

1996: Larry Johnson, Patrick Ewing, Shawn Bradley, Charles Barkley and Muggsy Bogues

2012: Carmelo Anthony, Tyson Chandler, Dirk Nowitzki, James Harden, Chris Paul

Anyone out there hating on ‘Melo, peep the left shoulder. In.

Tyson Chandler doesn’t get enough love! He’s defense first and an athletic freak. Not to mention he might be the best dressed athlete in NYC, but doesn’t get the recognition he deserves. Besides, you know Dwight would be all about trying to steal the spotlight.

Dirk Nowitzki = affirmative action.

Chuck had the ‘stache, James has the beard.

I actually really liked Steve Nash for the last spot, but see Nowitzki, Dirk. Besides, Chris was the MVP of this Olympics. And who did he do it for? the good old U-S of A, that’s right. This man is an American hero and deserves to be put in a movie of this caliber.

1996: Bill Murray

2012: Bill Murray

Come on, you didn’t really think anyone could replace Bill Murray, right? Right? Look, he’s still got it. He’s a dual sport athlete, so it goes Prime Time, Bo, and then Bill Murray.

1996: R. Kelly

2012: Justin Bieber

Who else could be tapped to be the songbird of our generation than the songbird of our generation? #IBeliebICanFly

Sooooooo, now, do you really not want this movie to happen?

These Boys Are Ready

Look at my boy Anthony Davis, “The Brow”. It’s a cold world baby. And it’s an especially cold world when you’re 6’10” and only weigh 225 pounds.

Look at LeBron. No, he doesn’t need music blasting through his “Beats by Dre” headphones. His rap the night the Heat won the Finals is playing on an endless loop in his head. Did I just go buy a sleeping mask? Maybe, I’m not telling.

Chris Paul is all hugged up with a pillow, because the basketball he WAS sleeping with just wasn’t comfortable enough. But best believe he’s still dreaming of alley-oops to Tyson Chandler, hesitation dribbles and step back jumpers.

Russ West! Bucking the trend: “Your complimentary ‘Beats by Dre’ headphones Mr. Westbrook.”
“Nah, I’m good, these headphones that came with my iPhone.”

“Your complimentary sleeping mask Mr. Westbrook.”
“Nah, I’m good, I’ve got these ‘Eazy E’ shades.”

James Harden isn’t actually sleeping; he’s meditating, listening to the internal sound of his beard growing.

Oh yea. These boys are ready.